Sabotaging Your Own Happiness? Here’s How to Stop.

I could feel the stress rising in my body as my hunger cues flared up.
“Babe, let’s just order pizza,” I muttered, already half-irritated.
Did I really want pizza? Absolutely not. I had a list of groceries in mind—healthy, intentional choices—and pizza was not on it. I asked him to place the order, but it felt like time slowed to a crawl, and my patience was thinning fast.

Eventually, he ordered. Over $40 for two pizzas and a liter of soda? With a 40-minute wait? You’ve got to be kidding me.
I tried to contain my frustration, but it was radiating out of me—visible in my eyes, in my clenched lips, and in the sweat forming along my brow. The temperature in the room seemed to mirror the tension between us.

Attempting to shift the mood, I asked if he could help connect my Yeti microphone to my laptop. I’d been yearning to start my podcast, but for the life of me, I couldn’t get the mic to work.
Quietly, he began clicking through downloads, installing drivers and plugins like a seasoned tech pro. Watching him work felt like watching a figure skater effortlessly spin through the air.

And still, I was fuming. All I wanted at that point was to eat.

The doorbell rang sooner than expected. The pizza had arrived. We each grabbed a slice and ate in silence.

“I’m sorry for being so cranky—I was just hangry,” I said.

He looked up. “No, it’s deeper than that. You have a pattern—when things are going well, you find something to fixate on, and it kills the moment. It doesn’t just impact you. It impacts me—and us.”

Oof. That landed.

Was he right? Did I really have this habit of puncturing joy before it could fully bloom?

Here I am—someone who teaches mindset, goal-setting, and personal growth—getting completely derailed by something as simple as a takeout delay and a $40 price tag?

I sat with it. Awkward smile creeping in. He wasn’t wrong.

My default setting might be productive, but happy? Not exactly. It’s been an incredibly difficult year. I became estranged from parts of my family. My grandmother, the person I trust most in the world, is losing her memory—sometimes even forgetting who I am.
Since moving, I’ve had unsettling experiences that have left me on edge, expecting the worst from people. To top it off, my once-reliable self-care routine had fallen apart. And when I’m not moving my body and eating protein-rich meals, my mental clarity tanks.

“You need to give it to God,” he said. “Start allowing yourself to feel happy.”

That idea hit me in a strange way—so simple, yet it left me speechless.
How do you allow yourself to feel happy when life keeps throwing curveballs?

I decided to dig into the research. And as it turns out, the same cognitive tools that improve focus and productivity can also enhance happiness.

I came across a study by two researchers from California that offered new perspective. While some studies suggest happiness is partly genetic, newer research shows we can influence it far more than we realize.

Let me break it down.

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The Key Takeaways on Sustainable Happiness

According to Layous & Lyubomirsky, activities like journaling, expressing gratitude, and performing acts of kindness can increase well-being—but especially when they are varied and done with intention.

What really intrigued me was this framework that highlights three essential psychological needs:

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Autonomy – Feeling in control of your choices and actions

You’re not just checking boxes—you’re doing something that reflects you.
Examples:

• Choosing to journal about your dreams because it excites you, not because it’s trending.
• Starting a creative side project because it aligns with your values.
• Saying “no” to plans because rest feels more important.

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Competence – Feeling capable and effective

Progress matters—even small wins count.
Examples:

• Learning how to cook a new recipe and nailing it.
• Setting up a home podcast station without help.
• Finishing a book or workout plan you started.

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Relatedness – Feeling connected and valued by others

Happiness expands in the presence of meaningful connection.
Examples:

• Volunteering at your local church or community center.
• Writing an unexpected “thinking of you” text.
• Spending a night unplugged, talking deeply with someone you love.

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I love this framework because many activities can fill multiple needs at once.
Volunteering at church, for example, could bring both relatedness and autonomy. Hosting a game night might spark competence (if you’re the planner!) and relatedness.

To check in with yourself, try asking:

• Do I feel in control of my choices?
• Do I feel effective and capable?
• Do I feel connected and valued by others?

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As I reflect on this past year, it’s no surprise my happiness has been drained. But knowing why gives me power.
And that means I can build back with intention.

For me, this looks like:

• Cooking vibrant, healthy meals with my partner
• Pouring more energy into making art again
• Starting projects—like this blog and my YouTube channel—that help me feel connected to a larger purpose

It may sound meta, but sharing this reflection is part of my own happiness reset.

My goal now is simple: stop suffocating my own joy, and start inviting it in.

Let me know in the comments—what happiness-generating activities are you planning to try?

Layous, K., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2014). The how, why, what, when, and who of happiness: Mechanisms underlying the success of positive activity interventions. In J. Gruber & J. T. Moskowitz (Eds.), Positive emotion: Integrating the light sides and dark sides (pp. 473–495). Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/acprof:oso/9780199926725.003.0025